Since the age of about 17, only my husband, who was my boyfriend back then, has known of my bisexual orientation. I have even kept it from gay friends, because I have faced negative stereotyping (you know, that us bis are freaky, flighty, or fickle about sex) just as often from gay and lesbian individuals as I have from those who are straight.
Recently, however, I came out to a co-worker-who just so happens to be gay-who has been becoming a good friend of mine. I had just yawned, and complained of being tired, one night at work. I mentioned something about how I needed to avoid coffee so that I could get to bed early and get a good night's rest because I had been staying up too late the past few nights watching The L Word. (Previously, I had been very secretive about my addiction to this show because I thought if people knew I liked it they would think me a secret lesbian or something.)
"You're so gay." He said to me, laughing.
For some reason, instead of just laughing it off, I blurted out: "Well, I'm half and half."
This began a conversation in which I told him that until that moment, he was the only one I had ever told, and explained why I had never come out. To my relief, he was not one of the gays who thought that I was greedy, or actually gay, or trying to get attention.
Telling him felt fantastic. A little weight fell off my shoulders. The feeling that I could never quite relax and just be myself around other people disappeared a fraction. This led to a decision that I had been hemming and hawing over for a while: I will come out.
I am completely terrified of this, because of how it may mean some will perceive me differently, but in order to be who I really am, I need not live this life of self-censorship whenever certain topics come up in conversation. However, despite my fears, the tiny relief I got from telling just one more person, makes me think it will be even more incredibly freeing to tell the world.
Wish me luck.
I'm so excited for you!!! And proud. :)
ReplyDeleteI've been out to a large online community of friends, all of whom have been supportive (or have kept quiet or been blocked lol), but I don't think I could ever come out at work... some people might be ok, but others... well, they already use phrases like "Don't be so gay!" I'm also almost more concerned about the women I work with, who will likely think I'm hot for them or something! lol Which is SO not the case.
But yeah, it would be so liberating to be able to speak out loud without worrying ("Am I sounding too pro-gay?"). As for the bi-bashing gay contingent... I have such mixed feelings about Dan Savage, who has IMO done so much with the It Gets Better project, yet his attitude toward bisexuality is as mean-spirited and prejudiced as what he himself must have encountered as a gay male. But it proves one of my favorite points, that we are all at heart just people, good, bad, and ugly.
Best of luck to you!!! :)
That is also one of my fears, that other women will think it means I am attracted to them, hitting on them, etc. I also have a few ultra-conservative co-workers who might not get it. I have asked the friend I told to keep it to himself for now, but eventually as i come out further and further i expect it will end up happening at work too.
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