My Decision to Come Out

I have known that I liked both boys and girls my whole life. These feelings confused and frightened me, because as a child no one ever talked about bisexuality; therefore, I feared that my crushes on girls meant that I might really be gay. Back then, being gay was something I had only limited exposure to, and though my parents weren't hateful toward gays, there was a level of homophobia around me which led me to believe that being gay was something I did not want to be. So I comforted myself with mental reminders that I had crushes on boys too, therefore could not possibly be gay. I also pleaded to God often not to make me be gay.

Then, in high school, I learned about bisexuality. I had a boyfriend, so I didn't give it too much thought until a friend of mine, a female, wanted to kiss me and I realized I wanted to kiss her back. I didn't have a crush on her, or want to be with her in any other way, but the desire to try kissing a girl was more than just standard curiosity.

A few years into our relationship, my boyfriend and I were talking on the phone. I was telling him about something I had read in a dream diary about recurring dreams in which the dreamer is being chased. I told him that I had been having these dreams my entire life in which some invisible force was chasing me and no matter how much I ran and ran I could never totally get away. I informed him that the dictionary said this meant that the person having these dreams was hiding from something that their subconscious wanted them to realize. His reaction astounded me: "You know, I think you are bisexual."

That simple statement threw me for a loop because as soon as he said it, I knew it was true. From that moment on I was able to identify with what I had always felt, but hadn't been able to totally piece together for myself: I was bisexual.

Well, my high school boyfriend became my college boyfriend, and then my fiancee, and now my husband of almost 4 years. We have a 1-year old son together and are still very much in love. He is my soul mate, my best friend, and my life partner. I have never been with a woman other than those kisses in high school, and I have no desire to be with anyone other than my husband. However, the same way that gay and straight people know who they would be with without having experienced it, I know the same about myself. I find women attractive as well as men and could conceive of being in a relationship with either gender if I had never met my husband. I am definitely, undeniably bisexual.

Until recently, with the exception of my husband, I have remained firmly in the closet about this. I have never felt the need for others to know, because I didn't think it mattered since I am married. However, I have recently done some soul searching and realized that if the rumors and stereotypes about bisexuals are to ever be dispelled, people need to hear from those like me. I am always hearing these statements that bisexuals are "greedy", promiscuous, uncertain, or attention-seeking. As a happily married, totally monogamous, and rather shy person, I am hoping that by blogging about my coming-out experience, I may help to dispel these illusions and reveal the truth that bisexual people are just as normal as anyone else.