A Husband's Fears

My husband just told me that he has been worried lately that I am actually a lesbian. I reassured him that no, I am definitely not gay.

I have never been more openly vocal about my bisexuality, and even though it comes up only rarely with those outside of my relationship, if it does come up I will now allow it to instead of hastily changing the subject or avoiding questions. I have also been on a mad L Word marathon lately and though there is one bisexual character, even she is shown as mostly being with women, and I think my interest in that show has also made Hubby nervous.

There isn't a lot of bi culture out there. I have done a lot of research throughout this process of deciding to come out, and I find a lot of community and info centered around being gay, and very little for bi's. There is this whole invisibility that we have, because when we are with the same gender we are perceived as gay, and when we are with the opposite gender we are assumed to be straight. There also aren't any TV shows that I am aware of (Please let me know if there are!) featuring bi characters. So as a result of this lack in representation I have been immersed in a lot of "gay culture" websites and other media, and as a side effect Hubby has been dragged along for the ride.(Mostly by me saying: "Honey, guess what I read about today!")

Anyway, we had a talk about it. I told him that I find him very sexy and physically attractive, and that I love him with all my heart and always will. He said: "Ok. Lately I have just wondered a little." This just goes to show that even my husband who is my best friend can be a little nervous about bisexuality. If so, then I imagine general society will be even more nervous.

Dream Interpretation

I had a very telling dream last night.

In my dream I was going around trying to tell people that I am bisexual. I felt desperate to let it out, for someone, anyone to hear me and to understand why I needed to get it off my chest...but no one could hear me, or they weren't listening. I was feeling so frustrated that I decided to call Alice Pieszecki (the bisexual character on The L Word) and talk to her about it because I knew she would understand. She was also busy, and I kept getting her voice-mail and leaving her messages like: "Alice, please call me back. I really need to talk and I know you will understand. I don't know anyone else who is bi and I just need someone to talk to about it."

I know I had this dream because of my desire to stop self-censoring and just let it all out. I am so scared, but I can't keep avoiding part of who I am anymore.

It is like this: Imagine you are a painter, but you have to hide that from people because they might reject you if they find out you paint. So everytime the topic of art comes up you have to refrain from mentioning paintings, and everytime someone comes over you have to stash your brushes and canvas where they can't see them.

This is how I have been living with regards to my sexuality. If conversations about a person's attractiveness, or relationships, or celebrity crushes should come up, I have to watch what I say because if I blurt out that I think Marisa Tomei is hot, I might be outing myself to the wrong person. Or if a friend asks to use my computer I must quickly hide any tabs or files I might be looking at about bisexuality or related topics for fear of what they might think. 

I am tired of this. I want to talk about things and live my life and be me without worry of what might offend. I want to stop caring, stop hiding, and just relax. Apparently my subconscious, dreaming mind wants me to let it out too.

Rad T-Shirt For A Straight Hubby

This is pride month, what better time to have decided to stop holding back? I have never been to a pride event before, but there is one coming up near me next week and I really think it would be empowering and fun to go. I was contemplating how freeing it might be to wear some kind of bi pride t-shirt or something, and was doing some browsing online when I came across this gem:

I am currently wondering if I could get Hubby to wear it. Knowing how laid back he is about such things, he probably would. Hmmmm...

(I am in no way being paid to endorse this...I just like it!)

So What's The Big Deal?

Some who come across this blog may wonder "What is the big deal? So you're bi. Why does it matter? " It matters because of things I have experienced throughout my life in terms of prejudice. Both straight people and gay people have said some mean things about bisexuals when in my presence, and I have read even worse online.

Here are my fears about coming out as a bisexual woman married to a straight man:

~People will think this means I am promiscuous, and looking to hook up with women on the side, and am unfaithful to my husband.
~People will think my husband and I are swingers, or that I bring girls home and let him watch.
~People will think I am actually undecided about my sexuality, that I am really a lesbian in denial, and that I will end up leaving my husband.
~People will think I am less fit to raise my son because I am perverted, or that I am setting a bad example.
~Other parents will say something in front of their children, and their children will pick on my son.
~People who have known me for a long time will suddenly become uncomfortable arround me, or decide that I am not someone they want to be close to.
~Female friends will worry this means I am checking them out, and won't want to try on clothes with me, watch movies and drink wine with me, or go to the beach with me.
~People will think I am trying to be trendy and get attention.

Blurting Out

Since the age of about 17, only my husband, who was my boyfriend back then, has known of my bisexual orientation. I have even kept it from gay friends, because I have faced negative stereotyping (you know, that us bis are freaky, flighty, or fickle about sex) just as often from gay and lesbian individuals as I have from those who are straight.

Recently, however, I came out to a co-worker-who just so happens to be gay-who has been becoming a good friend of mine. I had just yawned, and complained of being tired, one night at work. I mentioned something about how I needed to avoid coffee so that I could get to bed early and get a good night's rest because I had been staying up too late the past few nights watching The L Word. (Previously, I had been very secretive about my addiction to this show because I thought if people knew I liked it they would think me a secret lesbian or something.)

"You're so gay." He said to me, laughing.

For some reason, instead of just laughing it off, I blurted out: "Well, I'm half and half."

This began a conversation in which I told him that until that moment, he was the only one I had ever told, and explained why I had never come out. To my relief, he was not one of the gays who thought that I was greedy, or actually gay, or trying to get attention.

Telling him felt fantastic. A little weight fell off my shoulders. The feeling that I could never quite relax and just be myself around other people disappeared a fraction. This led to a decision that I had been hemming and hawing over for a while: I will come out.

I am completely terrified of this, because of how it may mean some will perceive me differently, but in order to be who I really am, I need not live this life of self-censorship whenever certain topics come up in conversation. However, despite my fears, the tiny relief I got from telling just one more person, makes me think it will be even more incredibly freeing to tell the world.

Wish me luck.

My Decision to Come Out

I have known that I liked both boys and girls my whole life. These feelings confused and frightened me, because as a child no one ever talked about bisexuality; therefore, I feared that my crushes on girls meant that I might really be gay. Back then, being gay was something I had only limited exposure to, and though my parents weren't hateful toward gays, there was a level of homophobia around me which led me to believe that being gay was something I did not want to be. So I comforted myself with mental reminders that I had crushes on boys too, therefore could not possibly be gay. I also pleaded to God often not to make me be gay.

Then, in high school, I learned about bisexuality. I had a boyfriend, so I didn't give it too much thought until a friend of mine, a female, wanted to kiss me and I realized I wanted to kiss her back. I didn't have a crush on her, or want to be with her in any other way, but the desire to try kissing a girl was more than just standard curiosity.

A few years into our relationship, my boyfriend and I were talking on the phone. I was telling him about something I had read in a dream diary about recurring dreams in which the dreamer is being chased. I told him that I had been having these dreams my entire life in which some invisible force was chasing me and no matter how much I ran and ran I could never totally get away. I informed him that the dictionary said this meant that the person having these dreams was hiding from something that their subconscious wanted them to realize. His reaction astounded me: "You know, I think you are bisexual."

That simple statement threw me for a loop because as soon as he said it, I knew it was true. From that moment on I was able to identify with what I had always felt, but hadn't been able to totally piece together for myself: I was bisexual.

Well, my high school boyfriend became my college boyfriend, and then my fiancee, and now my husband of almost 4 years. We have a 1-year old son together and are still very much in love. He is my soul mate, my best friend, and my life partner. I have never been with a woman other than those kisses in high school, and I have no desire to be with anyone other than my husband. However, the same way that gay and straight people know who they would be with without having experienced it, I know the same about myself. I find women attractive as well as men and could conceive of being in a relationship with either gender if I had never met my husband. I am definitely, undeniably bisexual.

Until recently, with the exception of my husband, I have remained firmly in the closet about this. I have never felt the need for others to know, because I didn't think it mattered since I am married. However, I have recently done some soul searching and realized that if the rumors and stereotypes about bisexuals are to ever be dispelled, people need to hear from those like me. I am always hearing these statements that bisexuals are "greedy", promiscuous, uncertain, or attention-seeking. As a happily married, totally monogamous, and rather shy person, I am hoping that by blogging about my coming-out experience, I may help to dispel these illusions and reveal the truth that bisexual people are just as normal as anyone else.