Burst

It is a tiring thing, holding back. Self-censorship for me has taken a toll, and I have reached a point in my life where I am just so exhausted from it that I am ready to burst, to scream at the top of my lungs and make the world hear me and to care.

I did burst a little Saturday evening, and I have been reeling from it over the past two days.

Hubby and I did a little redecorating in our living room last week and we decided to invite four of our good friends over to celebrate and have a game night. We got out the games, made some fun decorations, fixed some snacks and bought a bottle of rum.

The people we invited are two other married couples we know. I met my best friend T in college when we were assigned as roommates, and her husband, E, and mine have become buddies. Our other friends, M and J, we met through the other two. We get together for group dinners, game nights, video games, movies, etc. fairly regularly. We also all live in the same apartment building.

Now I ought to mention that all of them go to the same church, and share the same religious views. Hubby is an atheist and my religious beliefs can be roughly summed up as spiritual. Because we are the odd couple out among a lot of our friends and acquaintances when it comes to religion, Hubby and I often just keep quiet and try to avoid saying anything that could be construed as "stirring the pot."

Holding back is hard, even when you have a partner to share things with.

Back to Saturday night: The get-together started, the games were being played, the rum was being mixed and consumed...and conversation somehow strayed into biblical territory. I don't even remember how it came up...I think our guests might have been talking about church, I am not sure, but whatever started it, someone said something that made Hubby snap. Having had a little more rum than would be advised for such a lightweight, he went on a tangent in defense of his atheism and explaining why he defined himself that way. One bit of religious discussion led to another and inevitably we strayed onto gay marriage.

Oh boy.

My friend M, feeling the need to defend her church, began to explain that she doesn't hate gays, she simply believes they are misguided sinners, and that they need people to pray for them to find God and be saved from their mistakes.

*burst*

This is where I finally opened my mouth. I came out. Right then. I said: "I am bisexual. I have known it my whole life, since I was a little girl. I am not making a mistake. The world did not make me this way. I did not choose it. It is who I am regardless of the fact that I happened to marry a man."  I am not sure I said it as calmly as I meant to. My voice sounded strange and alien to me as it came out...and my heart was pounding so fiercely that I am sure it could have been seen slamming through my ribcage from the outside.

It was so hard to do. It was really my first major coming-out moment and I wasn't expecting it to have such a physical effect over my whole body. I didn't realize how comfy the closet had been.

I barely remember what people said to me afterward. I know our friend J became stone-like and silent for the rest of the evening. (His father is a minister, perhaps worth mentioning.) Hubby went back to dominating the conversation (I know he was experiencing a release of another kind, allowing himself to talk religion freely within this group for once) and eventually we went on to other topics. I think we all felt uncomfortable and wanted to just brush it all under the rug for that moment.

The evening ended. Everyone thanked us for having them over and left. I started to cry. Hubby finally came over and hugged me, and told me how brave I was. I told him I was terrified that I was about to lose two good friendships, that I was angry because I knew everyone was going back to their apartments and would pray for my salvation before going to bed, and that I was sorry I didn't stay in the closet where it was safe.

We went to bed, and hugged a lot. The next morning I text messaged my friends and thanked them for coming over and I told them I was sorry if things got too intense. Both of them messaged back that they had a good time, and that they were ok with the conversation. I felt a small relief. However, despite their reassurances about conversational topics, I am still filled with a sense of disappointment. They don't realize that I cut myself open and showed a part of myself so well guarded that it physically hurt me to let it out. They don't know how much I cringe at the thought of them praying to their god that someday I will be saved from my "sinful" ways. They don't know how much I fear the things they might assume now, and how much frustration I feel about how I said this thing, that has been so important for me to say, and no one has mentioned it since, or probably will again unless I make them.

Holding back is hard. Opening up can be harder. What I did was right, and important but it sure was scary, and I am still feeling the effects.

All I Ever Need

After my last post Hubby and I talked more. I realized that I was completely wrong about his concerns. He told me he wasn't really scared that I am a lesbian, though he would be devastated if we ever broke up, but that he was really scared that he was holding me back. He wanted to reassure me that if that turned out to be the case he would support me 100% despite his own sadness.

Though I was able to reassure him that I am definitely bisexual and not gay, and that in him I have found all I ever need and want, I realized that his concern for holding me back is yet another illustration of what a perfect partner I have found. I am so thankful for him, his open-mindedness, acceptance, support and love.