I haven't posted in a bit, and I realized I haven't even shared that I came out to my little brother. This is important for two reasons. For one, because it was another major coming our moment for me. Second, because even in my decision to stop censoring my life with co-workers and friends I still wasn't sure I was going to clue my family in. Not that I don't get along with my family or anything, and I know they would accept me and love me even if I told them about my bisexuality...I just somehow had ruled that out as a necessity for my life. I also didn't want to deal with my Dad's probable response, which would be an incredulous "Well, what do you mean!?"
However, I recently had my little bro come over to hang out with me, and when the conversation strayed a certain way...I just went for it.
My brother is 10 years younger than I am. I will be turning 30 next year, he will be turning 20. We have always had a great relationship despite our age difference. When he was little I felt very much like a third parent to him, and as he got older we had more and more fun adventures together. When I went away at the age of 21 to live on my college campus, we drifted a bit, but he has always been my buddy. Since giving birth to my son, and my brother graduating high school, (which he did late because of some time he lost when hospitalized as a teenager) I like to invite him over to hang out during the day when Hubby is at work and my brother is free of plans.
On the day I told him, we were sitting in my living room, Baby Boy was napping, and my Bro and I were chatting mostly about nerdy video game stuff, and somehow, we got onto the topic of discrimination. During the course of this convo, my brother told me he wasn't sure he believed bisexuals really existed. So then I asked him: "What if I told you I was bisexual?"
It was easy. No heart pounding through my chest like last time. I wasn't scared with my brother for some reason.
At first, he didn't believe me. He told me three times he thought I was kidding, and that there was no way I was. So then I explained to him about how I had known it all my life, how it meant that I was attracted to both men and women, and could have been with either one in a relationship, but that I ended up falling in love with my husband and he happened to be a man. I told him it didn't mean I would cheat, or become a lesbian someday. I told him that I had just never told him before because I didn't think it really needed to come up.
Then, he believed me. He also admitted that his reason for doubting bis existed was that some people he had known in high school said they were bi, and then turned out later to just have been curious or vying for attention. I told him that, yeah, some people do that, but some, like me, are really, truly, bi.
We then laughed for a minute, imagining how my parents would react if I told them. Then we went on to other things and it didn't come up again.
It was awesome for me to have such an easy time telling someone, especially someone as awesome and important in my life as my little brother. It is also awesome to think that I have enlightened him a bit, and that he is now another ally out there in the world who understands that some people really are bisexual and can be monogamous.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Burst
It is a tiring thing, holding back. Self-censorship for me has taken a toll, and I have reached a point in my life where I am just so exhausted from it that I am ready to burst, to scream at the top of my lungs and make the world hear me and to care.
I did burst a little Saturday evening, and I have been reeling from it over the past two days.
Hubby and I did a little redecorating in our living room last week and we decided to invite four of our good friends over to celebrate and have a game night. We got out the games, made some fun decorations, fixed some snacks and bought a bottle of rum.
The people we invited are two other married couples we know. I met my best friend T in college when we were assigned as roommates, and her husband, E, and mine have become buddies. Our other friends, M and J, we met through the other two. We get together for group dinners, game nights, video games, movies, etc. fairly regularly. We also all live in the same apartment building.
Now I ought to mention that all of them go to the same church, and share the same religious views. Hubby is an atheist and my religious beliefs can be roughly summed up as spiritual. Because we are the odd couple out among a lot of our friends and acquaintances when it comes to religion, Hubby and I often just keep quiet and try to avoid saying anything that could be construed as "stirring the pot."
Holding back is hard, even when you have a partner to share things with.
Back to Saturday night: The get-together started, the games were being played, the rum was being mixed and consumed...and conversation somehow strayed into biblical territory. I don't even remember how it came up...I think our guests might have been talking about church, I am not sure, but whatever started it, someone said something that made Hubby snap. Having had a little more rum than would be advised for such a lightweight, he went on a tangent in defense of his atheism and explaining why he defined himself that way. One bit of religious discussion led to another and inevitably we strayed onto gay marriage.
Oh boy.
My friend M, feeling the need to defend her church, began to explain that she doesn't hate gays, she simply believes they are misguided sinners, and that they need people to pray for them to find God and be saved from their mistakes.
*burst*
This is where I finally opened my mouth. I came out. Right then. I said: "I am bisexual. I have known it my whole life, since I was a little girl. I am not making a mistake. The world did not make me this way. I did not choose it. It is who I am regardless of the fact that I happened to marry a man." I am not sure I said it as calmly as I meant to. My voice sounded strange and alien to me as it came out...and my heart was pounding so fiercely that I am sure it could have been seen slamming through my ribcage from the outside.
It was so hard to do. It was really my first major coming-out moment and I wasn't expecting it to have such a physical effect over my whole body. I didn't realize how comfy the closet had been.
I barely remember what people said to me afterward. I know our friend J became stone-like and silent for the rest of the evening. (His father is a minister, perhaps worth mentioning.) Hubby went back to dominating the conversation (I know he was experiencing a release of another kind, allowing himself to talk religion freely within this group for once) and eventually we went on to other topics. I think we all felt uncomfortable and wanted to just brush it all under the rug for that moment.
The evening ended. Everyone thanked us for having them over and left. I started to cry. Hubby finally came over and hugged me, and told me how brave I was. I told him I was terrified that I was about to lose two good friendships, that I was angry because I knew everyone was going back to their apartments and would pray for my salvation before going to bed, and that I was sorry I didn't stay in the closet where it was safe.
We went to bed, and hugged a lot. The next morning I text messaged my friends and thanked them for coming over and I told them I was sorry if things got too intense. Both of them messaged back that they had a good time, and that they were ok with the conversation. I felt a small relief. However, despite their reassurances about conversational topics, I am still filled with a sense of disappointment. They don't realize that I cut myself open and showed a part of myself so well guarded that it physically hurt me to let it out. They don't know how much I cringe at the thought of them praying to their god that someday I will be saved from my "sinful" ways. They don't know how much I fear the things they might assume now, and how much frustration I feel about how I said this thing, that has been so important for me to say, and no one has mentioned it since, or probably will again unless I make them.
Holding back is hard. Opening up can be harder. What I did was right, and important but it sure was scary, and I am still feeling the effects.
I did burst a little Saturday evening, and I have been reeling from it over the past two days.
Hubby and I did a little redecorating in our living room last week and we decided to invite four of our good friends over to celebrate and have a game night. We got out the games, made some fun decorations, fixed some snacks and bought a bottle of rum.
The people we invited are two other married couples we know. I met my best friend T in college when we were assigned as roommates, and her husband, E, and mine have become buddies. Our other friends, M and J, we met through the other two. We get together for group dinners, game nights, video games, movies, etc. fairly regularly. We also all live in the same apartment building.
Now I ought to mention that all of them go to the same church, and share the same religious views. Hubby is an atheist and my religious beliefs can be roughly summed up as spiritual. Because we are the odd couple out among a lot of our friends and acquaintances when it comes to religion, Hubby and I often just keep quiet and try to avoid saying anything that could be construed as "stirring the pot."
Holding back is hard, even when you have a partner to share things with.
Back to Saturday night: The get-together started, the games were being played, the rum was being mixed and consumed...and conversation somehow strayed into biblical territory. I don't even remember how it came up...I think our guests might have been talking about church, I am not sure, but whatever started it, someone said something that made Hubby snap. Having had a little more rum than would be advised for such a lightweight, he went on a tangent in defense of his atheism and explaining why he defined himself that way. One bit of religious discussion led to another and inevitably we strayed onto gay marriage.
Oh boy.
My friend M, feeling the need to defend her church, began to explain that she doesn't hate gays, she simply believes they are misguided sinners, and that they need people to pray for them to find God and be saved from their mistakes.
*burst*
This is where I finally opened my mouth. I came out. Right then. I said: "I am bisexual. I have known it my whole life, since I was a little girl. I am not making a mistake. The world did not make me this way. I did not choose it. It is who I am regardless of the fact that I happened to marry a man." I am not sure I said it as calmly as I meant to. My voice sounded strange and alien to me as it came out...and my heart was pounding so fiercely that I am sure it could have been seen slamming through my ribcage from the outside.
It was so hard to do. It was really my first major coming-out moment and I wasn't expecting it to have such a physical effect over my whole body. I didn't realize how comfy the closet had been.
I barely remember what people said to me afterward. I know our friend J became stone-like and silent for the rest of the evening. (His father is a minister, perhaps worth mentioning.) Hubby went back to dominating the conversation (I know he was experiencing a release of another kind, allowing himself to talk religion freely within this group for once) and eventually we went on to other topics. I think we all felt uncomfortable and wanted to just brush it all under the rug for that moment.
The evening ended. Everyone thanked us for having them over and left. I started to cry. Hubby finally came over and hugged me, and told me how brave I was. I told him I was terrified that I was about to lose two good friendships, that I was angry because I knew everyone was going back to their apartments and would pray for my salvation before going to bed, and that I was sorry I didn't stay in the closet where it was safe.
We went to bed, and hugged a lot. The next morning I text messaged my friends and thanked them for coming over and I told them I was sorry if things got too intense. Both of them messaged back that they had a good time, and that they were ok with the conversation. I felt a small relief. However, despite their reassurances about conversational topics, I am still filled with a sense of disappointment. They don't realize that I cut myself open and showed a part of myself so well guarded that it physically hurt me to let it out. They don't know how much I cringe at the thought of them praying to their god that someday I will be saved from my "sinful" ways. They don't know how much I fear the things they might assume now, and how much frustration I feel about how I said this thing, that has been so important for me to say, and no one has mentioned it since, or probably will again unless I make them.
Holding back is hard. Opening up can be harder. What I did was right, and important but it sure was scary, and I am still feeling the effects.
Monday, July 4, 2011
All I Ever Need
After my last post Hubby and I talked more. I realized that I was completely wrong about his concerns. He told me he wasn't really scared that I am a lesbian, though he would be devastated if we ever broke up, but that he was really scared that he was holding me back. He wanted to reassure me that if that turned out to be the case he would support me 100% despite his own sadness.
Though I was able to reassure him that I am definitely bisexual and not gay, and that in him I have found all I ever need and want, I realized that his concern for holding me back is yet another illustration of what a perfect partner I have found. I am so thankful for him, his open-mindedness, acceptance, support and love.
Though I was able to reassure him that I am definitely bisexual and not gay, and that in him I have found all I ever need and want, I realized that his concern for holding me back is yet another illustration of what a perfect partner I have found. I am so thankful for him, his open-mindedness, acceptance, support and love.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
A Husband's Fears
My husband just told me that he has been worried lately that I am actually a lesbian. I reassured him that no, I am definitely not gay.
I have never been more openly vocal about my bisexuality, and even though it comes up only rarely with those outside of my relationship, if it does come up I will now allow it to instead of hastily changing the subject or avoiding questions. I have also been on a mad L Word marathon lately and though there is one bisexual character, even she is shown as mostly being with women, and I think my interest in that show has also made Hubby nervous.
There isn't a lot of bi culture out there. I have done a lot of research throughout this process of deciding to come out, and I find a lot of community and info centered around being gay, and very little for bi's. There is this whole invisibility that we have, because when we are with the same gender we are perceived as gay, and when we are with the opposite gender we are assumed to be straight. There also aren't any TV shows that I am aware of (Please let me know if there are!) featuring bi characters. So as a result of this lack in representation I have been immersed in a lot of "gay culture" websites and other media, and as a side effect Hubby has been dragged along for the ride.(Mostly by me saying: "Honey, guess what I read about today!")
Anyway, we had a talk about it. I told him that I find him very sexy and physically attractive, and that I love him with all my heart and always will. He said: "Ok. Lately I have just wondered a little." This just goes to show that even my husband who is my best friend can be a little nervous about bisexuality. If so, then I imagine general society will be even more nervous.
I have never been more openly vocal about my bisexuality, and even though it comes up only rarely with those outside of my relationship, if it does come up I will now allow it to instead of hastily changing the subject or avoiding questions. I have also been on a mad L Word marathon lately and though there is one bisexual character, even she is shown as mostly being with women, and I think my interest in that show has also made Hubby nervous.
There isn't a lot of bi culture out there. I have done a lot of research throughout this process of deciding to come out, and I find a lot of community and info centered around being gay, and very little for bi's. There is this whole invisibility that we have, because when we are with the same gender we are perceived as gay, and when we are with the opposite gender we are assumed to be straight. There also aren't any TV shows that I am aware of (Please let me know if there are!) featuring bi characters. So as a result of this lack in representation I have been immersed in a lot of "gay culture" websites and other media, and as a side effect Hubby has been dragged along for the ride.(Mostly by me saying: "Honey, guess what I read about today!")
Anyway, we had a talk about it. I told him that I find him very sexy and physically attractive, and that I love him with all my heart and always will. He said: "Ok. Lately I have just wondered a little." This just goes to show that even my husband who is my best friend can be a little nervous about bisexuality. If so, then I imagine general society will be even more nervous.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Dream Interpretation
I had a very telling dream last night.
In my dream I was going around trying to tell people that I am bisexual. I felt desperate to let it out, for someone, anyone to hear me and to understand why I needed to get it off my chest...but no one could hear me, or they weren't listening. I was feeling so frustrated that I decided to call Alice Pieszecki (the bisexual character on The L Word) and talk to her about it because I knew she would understand. She was also busy, and I kept getting her voice-mail and leaving her messages like: "Alice, please call me back. I really need to talk and I know you will understand. I don't know anyone else who is bi and I just need someone to talk to about it."
I know I had this dream because of my desire to stop self-censoring and just let it all out. I am so scared, but I can't keep avoiding part of who I am anymore.
It is like this: Imagine you are a painter, but you have to hide that from people because they might reject you if they find out you paint. So everytime the topic of art comes up you have to refrain from mentioning paintings, and everytime someone comes over you have to stash your brushes and canvas where they can't see them.
This is how I have been living with regards to my sexuality. If conversations about a person's attractiveness, or relationships, or celebrity crushes should come up, I have to watch what I say because if I blurt out that I think Marisa Tomei is hot, I might be outing myself to the wrong person. Or if a friend asks to use my computer I must quickly hide any tabs or files I might be looking at about bisexuality or related topics for fear of what they might think.
I am tired of this. I want to talk about things and live my life and be me without worry of what might offend. I want to stop caring, stop hiding, and just relax. Apparently my subconscious, dreaming mind wants me to let it out too.
In my dream I was going around trying to tell people that I am bisexual. I felt desperate to let it out, for someone, anyone to hear me and to understand why I needed to get it off my chest...but no one could hear me, or they weren't listening. I was feeling so frustrated that I decided to call Alice Pieszecki (the bisexual character on The L Word) and talk to her about it because I knew she would understand. She was also busy, and I kept getting her voice-mail and leaving her messages like: "Alice, please call me back. I really need to talk and I know you will understand. I don't know anyone else who is bi and I just need someone to talk to about it."
I know I had this dream because of my desire to stop self-censoring and just let it all out. I am so scared, but I can't keep avoiding part of who I am anymore.
It is like this: Imagine you are a painter, but you have to hide that from people because they might reject you if they find out you paint. So everytime the topic of art comes up you have to refrain from mentioning paintings, and everytime someone comes over you have to stash your brushes and canvas where they can't see them.
This is how I have been living with regards to my sexuality. If conversations about a person's attractiveness, or relationships, or celebrity crushes should come up, I have to watch what I say because if I blurt out that I think Marisa Tomei is hot, I might be outing myself to the wrong person. Or if a friend asks to use my computer I must quickly hide any tabs or files I might be looking at about bisexuality or related topics for fear of what they might think.
I am tired of this. I want to talk about things and live my life and be me without worry of what might offend. I want to stop caring, stop hiding, and just relax. Apparently my subconscious, dreaming mind wants me to let it out too.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Rad T-Shirt For A Straight Hubby
This is pride month, what better time to have decided to stop holding back? I have never been to a pride event before, but there is one coming up near me next week and I really think it would be empowering and fun to go. I was contemplating how freeing it might be to wear some kind of bi pride t-shirt or something, and was doing some browsing online when I came across this gem:
I am currently wondering if I could get Hubby to wear it. Knowing how laid back he is about such things, he probably would. Hmmmm...
(I am in no way being paid to endorse this...I just like it!)
(I am in no way being paid to endorse this...I just like it!)
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
So What's The Big Deal?
Some who come across this blog may wonder "What is the big deal? So you're bi. Why does it matter? " It matters because of things I have experienced throughout my life in terms of prejudice. Both straight people and gay people have said some mean things about bisexuals when in my presence, and I have read even worse online.
Here are my fears about coming out as a bisexual woman married to a straight man:
~People will think this means I am promiscuous, and looking to hook up with women on the side, and am unfaithful to my husband.
~People will think my husband and I are swingers, or that I bring girls home and let him watch.
~People will think I am actually undecided about my sexuality, that I am really a lesbian in denial, and that I will end up leaving my husband.
~People will think I am less fit to raise my son because I am perverted, or that I am setting a bad example.
~Other parents will say something in front of their children, and their children will pick on my son.
~People who have known me for a long time will suddenly become uncomfortable arround me, or decide that I am not someone they want to be close to.
~Female friends will worry this means I am checking them out, and won't want to try on clothes with me, watch movies and drink wine with me, or go to the beach with me.
~People will think I am trying to be trendy and get attention.
Here are my fears about coming out as a bisexual woman married to a straight man:
~People will think this means I am promiscuous, and looking to hook up with women on the side, and am unfaithful to my husband.
~People will think my husband and I are swingers, or that I bring girls home and let him watch.
~People will think I am actually undecided about my sexuality, that I am really a lesbian in denial, and that I will end up leaving my husband.
~People will think I am less fit to raise my son because I am perverted, or that I am setting a bad example.
~Other parents will say something in front of their children, and their children will pick on my son.
~People who have known me for a long time will suddenly become uncomfortable arround me, or decide that I am not someone they want to be close to.
~Female friends will worry this means I am checking them out, and won't want to try on clothes with me, watch movies and drink wine with me, or go to the beach with me.
~People will think I am trying to be trendy and get attention.
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